In these uncertain economic times, maybe a little humor can go a long way. And so we invite help in spreading smiles around the Diocese of Peoria and on the Internet.
Do you have a favorite joke to share? E-mail it to cathpost@cdop.org, putting “Post Poll” in the subject line. They will appear here as received.
The “Post Poll” will return to deeper topics soon enough, but for now, let’s spread some cheer!

—-

From Father Harold Datzman, OSB, St. Joseph’s Parish, Peru

A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest met at a town’s annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
“This baked ham is really delicious,” the priest teased the rabbi. “You really ought to try it. I know it’s against your religion, but I can’t understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden. You don’t know what you’re missing. You just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs. Hall’s prized Virginia baked ham. Tell me, rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?”
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin and said, “At your wedding!”

—–

From Paddy Schwemlein of Mendota

A priest was walking along the corridor of the parish preschool when a group of little ones trotted by on the way to the cafeteria. One little boy of about 5 stopped and looked at the priest’s collar.
“Do you have an owie?” he asked.
The priest was perplexed until he realized that, to the boy, the collar tab looked like a bandage. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab were raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer.
As the boy felt the letters, the priest asked, “Do you know what those words say?”
“Yes I do,” said the boy, even though he hadn’t yet learned to read. Peering intently at the letters, he said, “Kills ticks and fleas for up to six months!”

—–

From Joseph Roels, East Moline

My great-granddaughter was 5 years old and in kindergarten at Jordan Catholic School in Rock Island. After coming home one day from an all-school Mass, she asked her mother “What does roast mean?”
“It could mean a piece of meat like a beef roast or when you roast hot dogs and marshmallows,” her mother answered. “Why do you ask?”
“Well,” said the girl, “at Mass they said ‘Jesus roasted from the bed!'”
“No, they said ‘Jesus rose from the dead,” her mother corrected with a smile.

—–

From Michael H. Berlinger, Peoria

WALNUTS IN THE CEMETERY

On the outskirts of a small town in central Illinois, there was a big, old walnut tree just inside the cemetery fence. Nuts were falling from the tree.
One day, two boys hopped the fence and began filling up a bucketful of nuts. Then they sad down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
“One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” said one boy. While they were dividing the nuts, several more dropped and rolled downhill towards the fence.
Another young lad came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed the fence, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off at top speed. As he came into town, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. “Come here quick,” said the boy. “You won’t believe what I heard! Satan and God are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!”
The man eventually agreed and hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”
“Boy, you’ve been telling me the truth,” the old man whispered. “Let’s see if we can see God.” Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of God.
At last they heard, “One for you, one for me. That’s it. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done.”
They say the old man made it back to town a full five minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
Smile, God loves you!

—

From Joseph Hyde, St. Michael’s Parish, Bement

Hot Air Hand Dryers

My pastor friend put sanitary hot air hand dryers in the rest rooms at his
church and after two weeks, took them out. I asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine, but when he went in there he saw a sign that read, “For a sample of this week’s sermon, push the button.”

—

From Ken Roberts

The grade school teacher asked her class to draw a picture of someone they knew. As she walked around the classroom observing, she stopped at Mary Virginia’s desk and asked: “Who are you drawing, Mary?”
“I’m drawing a picture of God,” the student replied.
“Well Mary,” said the teacher, “you know nobody really knows what God looks like.”
“They will in a minute!,” said Mary.